it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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