Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
no, he came in my armpit
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
