My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
