His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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