Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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