Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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