remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
