Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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