If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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