you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize