dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
