Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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