I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
