Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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