How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
