It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
