ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
