I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
