i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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