Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
