Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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