All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
