this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
