If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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