I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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