If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Green mimosas i think yes
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
