my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
