you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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