how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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