If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
