They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
