we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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