There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
