The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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