just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
