It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
