The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
