I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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