I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
