Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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