This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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