I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
