I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
