good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
