This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
