you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
