is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
