rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
