I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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