Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
