wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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