"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
