I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
