Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
