Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Randomize
