yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Sext me about skeletons
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
