I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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