A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
