I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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