He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I FOUND THE LEGS
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize