Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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