Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
