someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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