I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
