A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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