Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
