Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
