I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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