Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
