Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
